Fire - Betrayal Page 5

Her eyes remained closed, making me nervous.

  “Are you in pain?” I asked.

  “No, the doctor gave me some pain medication.”

  “I’m sorry Cate,” I whispered.

  “Don’t be. You didn’t do anything wrong. It was me.”

  “The doctor said that you need some hot tea and chicken soup. I’m going to the kitchen. I’ll be back with the hot tea first.”

  Cate didn’t argue, but she kept her eyes closed. I knew exactly why she didn’t open them. She didn’t want me to read her emotions in them. And that is also why she refused for me to touch her forehead.

  After a few minutes, I returned to her with some hot tea. I placed it on the bedside table, and then left to start making the chicken soup.

  I watched Cate from the kitchen as she sipped the warmth and sweetness of the tea. I watched as her tenseness left her body.

  * * *

  And, as I finished the last sips of tea, the rain started. The noise of the metal roof was soothing, rhythmic and calming. I drifted in and out of sleep, dreaming of Ben. He always had his arms outstretched to me, but I kept pushing him away. He had an agonized look on his face as the distance between us grew greater. Then the wave would come, and I would vanish. The dream was highly traumatic. I would suddenly wake from it as I vanished. I would wake startled and upset, my eyes opening wide with fear and sucking in a huge desperate breath of air. Then I would be determined to stay awake, but uncontrollably I would slip back into the disturbing dream again.

  The second last time that I experienced the “dream”, Ben was there sitting on the bed next to me when I opened my eyes in fear. He expressed great concern on his face, but also frustration. I knew that he could help me, but I didn’t want him to. I couldn’t let him see what had happened in the water. It would tear him apart.

  He looked away after a while, out the window at the pouring rain.

  “I’ve made chicken soup for you – it’s what the doctor ordered. So here it is. Can you manage it yourself, or would you like me to help you with it?” he asked unemotionally.

  “I want to do it myself….thank-you,” I replied quietly.

  He nodded his head, and then got up and left the room, disheartened.

  ***

  I continually checked on her, even though she was unaware of it. And when she finally went to sleep, I returned to the bedroom, sleeping on some blankets on the floor, dejected, tears falling from my eyes.

  I did not sleep well. I heard her wake startled many times during the night, and even heard her calling my name – in her sleep. But I did not go to her. I would watch her as she settled back to sleep, then I would return to my position on the floor.

  The next morning, she slept on, this time in a more peaceful sleep, until about midday. I spoke to her briefly, and made her something to eat and drink, but did not over stay my welcome with her. She had made it clear that she didn’t want me anymore.

  Her decision was killing me, but I still kept a close watch on her recovery.

  Late that afternoon, she managed to get up out of bed. She showered, ate and appeared to have much more energy. And I was happy to see me recovering. Yet, I kept my distance. I did not speak to her unless she asked me a question – which she didn’t.

  That night, when I was sure that she was comfortable in bed and asleep, I went to sleep in the other bedroom. It was for the best. I did not want to get my hopes up that she would want me back. It would only end badly. I had to stay away from her to protect my heart, which was in agony, and pained at the sight of her. Bittersweet.

  The rain continued to fall, and finally, I started to sleep. Not a deep sleep, but at least it was some sleep.

  ‘BEEEEENNN ! BBBEENNN! “ she screamed at the top of her voice. I waited at first to see if it would stop, but then decided to go to her.

  She was breathing heavily, and reached out to touch me.

  “Ben, make it go away, make it go away !” she pleaded, her expression desperate.

  “Make what go away?” I asked.

  “The dream – it’s bad. I keep having it over and over again. MAKE IT GO AWAY!”

  I looked to the floor. I had been trying to pull my emotions away from her. Now she was reaching out to me again. I was feeling like a yo-yo. I was feeling used. But I could not deny her request. I loved her so deeply.

  I looked back at her.

  “I can take it away Cate, but I will have to put my hand to you head, and you have let me know twice that I am not welcome to do that anymore.” I looked into the sadness of her eyes. I could see the amount of emotional pain that she was feeling. I looked away and to the floor again, my heart pained. Pulling away from her when she needed me was excruciating, but I must help her. I loved her.

  I looked at her again. Tears were streaming down her face.

  “Please help me Ben….” she whispered.

  I hesitated at first. This would hurt me more than it would hurt her. I put my right hand onto her forehead, strategically placing my fingers at certain points to connect into her mind. I bowed my head and closed my eyes, letting my tears fall as I did so.

  I felt the increased warmth in my hand as I connected to her mind. I scanned her memories and dreams, then pulled the most recent bad dream from her head, not once, but twice. I had pulled two bad recurring dreams from her – not intentionally, the second dream volunteered to go.

  I frowned as I pulled the dreams. I saw the vanishing dream and the historic church by the lake.

  Once I had finished ministering to her, I pulled my hand away and glanced at her briefly, and then looked away.

  “The bad dreams have been erased. You don’t need to worry about them anymore.” I gently squeezed her hand, but did not look at her. Then I stood up, and left the bedroom.

  ***

  I felt empty. Not because the nightmares had gone, but because of Ben’s detachment to me. I had spoken in haste yesterday morning. I should have chosen my words carefully, to make him understand what I was feeling and why. Now, in my selfishness, I had hurt him, deeply, and he didn’t deserve it.

  I could not sleep, although I tried. I wanted Ben by my side. I wanted to feel the warmth of his body, hear his gentle breathing, and smell his scent. I wanted him next to me. He would come soon, I thought, of that I was sure – but he did not come.

  Agitated, I got up out of bed, expecting to find Ben in the kitchen, or the great room. He was not in either of those places. Then I walked into the spare bedroom, and there he was, asleep, shirtless.

  My eyes delighted in him for a while. But my heart ached for what I had done to him. I was so sorry.

  Quietly, so as not to disturb him, I tip toed over to him. I gazed at his beautiful face. I could see a dried up tear that had run down onto the pillow, and my heart cried for him. I bent down and kissed him on the lips, lightly, then stood up to quietly leave the room.

  I turned to walk away, but gasped in fear as he grabbed my arm. Not gently, but roughly.

  “Why are you doing this to me Cate?” he asked angrily.

  “No, don’t answer. Just leave me be,” he retorted.

  I stared at him in disbelief, and then ran from the room. He was so bitter. His voice almost full of hate.

  I didn’t sleep from that point on.

  Chapter 8

  Uncertainty

  The french doors were wide open, and a gentle breeze blew into the beach house.

  I could see Cate sitting under the kentia palm tree, still and silent. I had to confront her. We had to sort out where our relationship was going. I couldn’t cope with the uncertainty that I faced each day with Cate now. We had to talk, once and for all, perhaps to end our love, if that was truly what she wanted.

  I took a deep breath, and walked out nervously to where she sat.

  Would she remain there if I was near, or would she move away from my presence?

  She did not turn to look at me. Her head remained still, not acknowledging me, although I was sure that she was awar
e of my approach.

  I walked to the water’s edge, and gazed out upon the beautiful ocean, and closed my eyes, unsure of what today would bring. Then I opened my eyes again, wanting to get on with what I was sure would be disappointment with Cate.

  I was about to turn around and walk back to the kentia palm tree, when I felt a light touch on my shoulder. It was Cate’s hand. The jolt of electricity was strong. I tried to ignore it. I knew that I still loved her. I knew that I still wanted to be with her. But I also knew that she did not want to marry me. And it was killing me. Where did that leave me?

  I did not speak to her. I did not look at her. It was too excrutiatingly painful.

  We stood in the crystal clear salty water together, in silence, Cate standing slightly behind me.

  “The historic stone church featured in a nightmare that I had every night that you were away, every single night for two years. It started off as a dream that we were finally getting married. The church was beautiful, the yale blue lake was beautiful, inside the church was beautiful, and I was feeling so excited and so in love with you ready to marry you. But when I would reach the altar, I would look up….and all I saw was your brother, shaking his head, saying that you weren’t coming, you would not be marrying me. I would wake up in a sweat, screaming and crying. Then I would hold my chest where my heart hurt and rock myself back to sleep…..the last time that I had that nightmare was the first night that you returned, remember? I woke up screaming, and then you were there, with your arms around me holding me. Then I had the nightmare no more. When we drove past that church the other day, it was the exact same church as in my nightmare. It made me very scared. I had to build up a wall to stop myself from getting hurt again. I didn’t want my nightmare to come true. I thought that if I pushed you away….” And then Cate could not continue. She was too emotionally distraught.

  I stood there, silently and listened to her. I did not make eye contact with her. I did not touch her. But I could feel her intense pain.

  “I saw your nightmare when I pulled the other dream from you. I am sorry. I did not intentionally mean to extract two. The church one just sort of piggybacked on the other bad dream. I was taken back with surprise that it would erase so easily considering its mammoth ferocity. I am sorry Cate. Not just for stealing that nightmare, but for what you have been through, because I did not return earlier. I am sorry. I alone have done this to you.”

  She rested her forehead on my shoulder. How I wanted to hold her again. But I did not. I could not give myself that hope.

  “Ben, I am the one who is sorry. I said something the other morning that was out of fear from my nightmare. It was a stupid thing to say. I wish I could wind back the time and then I would make sure that I didn’t say it. I knew as soon as it came out of mouth, that I shouldn’t have said it, that’s why I walked away down the beach.”

  “And why wouldn’t you let me place my hand on your head Cate. What is that all about, since you are in a confessing mood, “ I said with a little nastiness.

  “Because….” I could hear that this was difficult for her to answer truthfully.

  “Because, I knew that you would see that I jumped off the rocks into the dangerous waters on purpose, so that I couldn’t hurt you anymore….” she replied, her voice breaking.

  She dropped her hand from my shoulder, and then turned around to leave me alone in the water. She returned to the kentia palm, sat down and put her head into her hands, sobbing.

  I remained still in the water, reflecting on everything that she had said. Her talk of taking her own life had pierced me so badly it had numbed me. I turned in the water to face Cate. I looked at her without emotion, and then, walked past her to the beach house. I needed time to think.

  I left the beach house on the motorcycle again, driving at ridiculously high speeds. I didn’t know where I was going, I just needed to go – away from Cate.

  And I stayed away from her for an entire day.

  ***

  The storm lit up the sky as I returned to the beach house from my day away in deep thought. I had so many reasons not to be with Cate anymore, but only one reason to stay with her – I loved her so deeply. But would this be enough?

  Entering the house, I found that there were no lights on. The power had gone out in the storm. I found Cate sitting comfortably in the great room, with a candle, a book and a blanket, in her summer nightwear. She looked up at me as I entered the great room and I looked down at her. She held my gaze as I came closer. Her eyes full sorrow.

  I knelt down and touched her hand tenderly and kissed it. Perhaps the parting kiss. I did not speak, and I did not look into her eyes to read her emotions, I feared that it would make her angry. I just looked at her and smiled, slightly before I got up and left to have a shower.

  I made sure that Cate did not know what I was thinking or feeling. My body language gave nothing away. But at least she had looked at me. At least she had let me touch her.

  As I returned from the shower, Cate was standing and looking out of the window at the storm. I saw her wipe away a tear.

  I stood closely behind her and breathed in her sweet scent that I was highly attuned to, and my heart ached for her. She did not move. She stayed where she was.

  Then I slowly put my arms around her. I felt her body relax into me as she put her head back onto my shoulder. The lightning showed a tear as it ran down her cheek.

  “I still love you,“I whispered, my voice cracking, and then I kissed her gently on the neck.

  Cate turned around in my arms, looking into my eyes. I too, had tears falling down my face.

  She brought her lips slowly to mine. Gently and unhurriedly we began to kiss, lightly at first, until I was kissing her with great passion, and she responded with hunger.

  Her hands where in my hair and then she moaned as I kissed her neck. I held her tightly as I picked her up off the floor, whispering her name, tears streaming down my face. I wanted her. I needed her. I could not live without her.

  I placed her back on the floor and looked deeply into her eyes.

  “Don’t push me away ever again Cate. You’ve got to talk to me. And we won’t get married in that church. I didn’t come back from Une Autre Terre to lose you. I came back to be with you. Please forgive me for what I have put you through. I love you with all of my heart, my mind, my soul. Can you still love me?” I asked with sincerity.

  She looked at me intently as I spoke to her, moved with emotion, wiping the tears from my face.

  “How can I not love you Ben. Without you, I want to die. You have seen it in my mind.”

  Then I kissed her again, making her head spin.

  Without speaking, I led her to the bedroom, where she lay in my arms. We could have let our passion overtake us. But we had made a promise.

  “Cate…never ever take away your own life. It is not yours to take. It is the One who created you who must choose when you time is done. You need to live and enjoy your life, even if I am not in the picture. You have so much to give to others. Promise me, that you will never try to kill yourself again – promise me.”

  “I promise you Ben.” And I knew that she meant it.

  She slept deeply and peacefully in my arms that night as I wrapped my wings of love and protection around her, scared of what life dealt her no more.

  Chapter 9

  The Promise Ring

  The plane touched down at 5:15 pm. Unexpectedly, we were greeted at the airport by Ben’s overjoyed family. They had not seen him for over two years. They excitedly crowded around him, showering him with hugs and kisses.

  I stood back and watched his family adoringly dote on him. Little did they know that he had a biological family in a parallel world. Little did they know that Ben was not of this Earth. How would they react then, if they knew, I wondered. I pushed the question out of my head. They must never find out the truth about Ben and the parallel world, or his real family in Une Autre Terre.

  Before we knew it, we were back at Be
n’s parent’s house, being fussed over. They celebrated his return with delicious food, shared stories and hilarious adventures about things that happened while he was away.

  Again, Ben’s family thanked me for keeping them up-to-date with Ben’s progress, and complained to Ben that his text messages were way too brief.

  Finally, we were able to return to my house.

  It was dark, and I found myself feeling anxious. This was the house that Grandy had left me. As a child it had filled me with so much joy. But not as an adult. It had filled me with dread the moment that I had entered it three years ago. It had beaten me to the ground, bruised me, scarred me, and left me in the depths of darkness and despair.

  I tensed up and found myself breathing shallowly. My emotions attached to this house were dark, very dark indeed.

  I took a deep calming breath as I unlocked the front door, then turned on the entry light, to walk into the house.

  It was bitterly cold outside, and bitterly cold inside. Ben lit the fire in the sitting room, while I made a hot drink.

  Returning from the kitchen with hot drinks in hand, I found Ben comfortably sitting on the sofa, his mind a mile away.

  “A penny for your thoughts,” I said, and handed him his hot drink.

  “Cate, what did you tell everyone when I was away? I’m intrigued. They all keep thanking you!” asked Ben, looking at me with admiration.

  I hesitated before I answered. My memories of everything in the time of my deep depression were foggy at times, as I tried to bury them away.

  “I said that you had been unexpectedly called away to a place which I could not tell them, because you were not able to tell me, and that you had gone to help with humanitarian and green projects.”

  “And the text messages?”

  “Easy. I found your cell phone, and sent them a simple hi, I’m doing okay. Expected return, unknown at the moment. Love you all. Ben. Occasionally I would change the message around a bit, or add a little bit of detail like missing you all, but basically, I kept it very simple.”